up against

Something isn't right. The past few days have been colliding, a blur of moments that simply fly by in a whirlwind. I'm usually very caring, very curious and interested, very in-depth and passionate. At some point within the last day or so I realized that... I'm just not anymore. I'm not any of those things and it scares me. I'm scared of the fact that this has happened to me far too many times. I feel like ever since that first quarter here, that first year, that first excruciating hurt and stomp down--- every year after has been a recovery year. A getting back up, dusting off, and retrying. It may be a new calendar year, a new school year-- but it's the same mistakes, the same slip-ups, the same feeling, only worse and worse.

APATHY. A word that I never knew the meaning of until I heard it in Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" song. I remember looking it up in the dictionary and thinking that it was such a terrible, horrible thing. Why would anyone not want to care or feel? Now, more than ever, I am understanding that concept and gathering reasons. Valid or not, I find myself subconsciously tending to these reasons and applying them to my world. I used to be so caring of all my friends, but now I find myself less patient and less willing to help. I used to be so passionate, but I find myself disinterested in writing new music or performing or penning a verse. I used to be so dedicated to school, but I find myself procrastinating more and more, wanting to know and learn less, and becoming desensitized to the dire consequences of my actions. I used to be so full of life and wonder but lately I'm lifeless and nowhere near wonderful. I used to want to feel everything there is to feel, but now I feel nothing-- absolutely numb. This isn't new; believe me.. this is nowhere near foreign. But I'm puzzled as to why the first, second, third times have not taught me anything if not to at least be cautious. I just don't understand.

Friends have been commenting. Those that see me often have noticed a change in me and they don't know how to put it either. We were at dinner, surrounded by all my wonderful new babies, eating delicious food and drinking refreshing peach iced tea. Conversations were lively and interesting, but I felt dead and uninterested. I caught sight of Lynsey staring at me from across the table and she said, "Oh my God, you're really not OK, are you?" and I realized the way I was sitting: hunched over, elbows propped up on the table, one hand wrapped around my forehead, the other hand massaging my temple. The look on her face matched that of Leslie's the night before. We were in the living room of our house and she had been studying until all of a sudden she said, "Dude, are you OK? What is going on with you? You're...different." It was then that I realized that I had been pacing back and forth, making circles in the room as though I was searching for a destination I could not reach. And maybe that's it...

There are so many destinations, so many hopes and aspirations and potential to myself do those great things I believed and continue to believe my Spoppers could do. But I lack the active ingredient to stimulate that desire to be more than just OK. It's a phrase I often used when I was younger-- to want to be 'more than OK.' Because at one point I was so messed up that "OK" and "fine" were all right by me, as long as I wasn't depressed. I was completely fine with "just getting by."

Lately, I have been tired and sullen, with a heavy feeling of the world perched upon my shoulders, my mouth constantly dry, my muscles aching and my eyesight blurring. I don't know what's happening to me now but it seriously needs to stop. I finally opened my school webmail and almost had a heart attack. It just added to the innumerable things that need to get done that are nowhere near the top of my nonexistent priority list: applying for graduation, seeing my counselor, getting my security deposit back, applying for internships, setting up for initiation and 2nd degree, volunteering for Human Options, putting on New Member programs, having my SPOP reunions, having my family closing, losing weight, starting to condition for volleyball, preparing for Songfest, getting my finances sorted out, going back home for more than a day to satisfy my parents, and just not failing my 5 classes... I have spent so much of my life preparing to live the rest of it that I don't know how to actually live right now. I don't want to just survive--- I want to live.

I know I can be better than this-- I have been before. I am starting to realize that with the way things are right now, my path is starting to pave itself into a never ending circle that I will one day find myself in and be unable to get out of. So I need this, this this to just all stop right now. I need the thoughts in my head to stop spinning, the voices to stop screaming, my nerves to stop stretching, and my heart to stop feeling so numb.

I need clarity and a resolution before I lose myself to my most vicious and worst enemy: me. I need to remember what I often forget: keep moving forward.