the con

Friendly fermented. There are many names for alcohol. Courage juice.

I haven't drank in a while. In comparison to my crazy high school years of black outs, bad decisions, life altering experiences, run ins with the cops, and endless inebriation, the past two and a half years here at UCI have found me rather... sober.

I always end up taking care of the drunkards-- the angry ones, the depressed ones, the wild ones, the dancing ones, the hyper ones, the funny ones, the troublemaker ones, the unresponsive ones, and the all-out shit show ones. People I don't mind it because I know that at one point in my whirlwind of a high school life, I had been every single one of those. People say I'm patient, but I have to be. My patience has been tried for most of my life, so nothing really seems to anger or annoy or stir much of a reaction out of me anymore. A lot of the experiences in my life, many of which were negative, have caused a light in me to dim. I had grown to be apathetic. Numb.

But courage juice?...

I'm slightly ashamed and a bit appalled that I find myself wanting it more and more because sober me can't (wo)man up and make a decision, say something, or make a move. Why do I need courage juice? What have I to fear? There is nothing to lose in this because honestly, there really isn't anything there to lose. I could arguably say that I'd lose him, but I never really had him did I? I don't think I was anywhere close to having anything of his, even his mere attention.

I think I just want something to happen-- anything. I don't like being in limbo, waiting for the tide to turn or the planets to align or some other ethereal inexplainable happening to occur. Alcohol was the one thing I had grown to hate because it made me put my guard down, made me feel repressed feelings, think suppressed thoughts, just made me f e e l, period. It made me not be passive and numb; it made me take action.

I know Ladi and a lot of other people kept telling me to just "let it happen" and I conceded and decided that I would-- I will. But I have been patient and now, I am just tired of waiting.