silver lining

I was your silver lining / But now I'm gold.

If I had fallen like I have done before, this would be the part where I pick myself back up. But I haven't fallen, just merely stumbled. I spent the past two days locked up in my room by myself, studying and discovering new music, and writing, and reading, and just being alone. And it's funny because all this time, I thought that that was what I was most scared of being: alone. I remember now how gratifying it is to stand alone, without the dependency on someone else whose intentions are unclear. I've stood alone for a large chunk of my life and I guess some people would think that it's sad, but it's not. I may stand alone, but I know I'll never walk alone. I know I will always have the love of my family & friends that have come & gone before me and my faith in the Man whose presenceI have never doubted, and that gives me comfort at times like these. It's freedom and space and the opportunity to be and go where I wish to go, knowing that I can always come back... home.

My frustration turned to sadness, my sadness to anger, my anger to hurt, my hurt to a pseudo-emptiness that was never really there. You were never really there--- because your guard was never let down; because I never saw the real you; because your heart was never in it. And that's okay. I know how hard it is for you to put forth any type of effort, and any such efforts sustained were enough. I appreciate every night (and day) and bout of bickering, every bad car ride, every singalong and duet, every short nap, every late night rushed meal, every mediocre movie, every friend of yours I got to meet, every bad party, every late night phone call, every conversation though few to nonexistent; all the silences and the in betweens. I appreciate every single moment because it was spent with you. Your teammates and friends and spoppers were all absolutely right when they told me what they did: that you were a very special person. You are special to them. You were special to me. Knowing that rids this seeming 'situation' of any urgency and calms me because I know now. I know now... that you always will be.

There are many special people in my life that have come and gone and in their leaving have left me a better person than when they first came, and I am forever grateful for that. I can add you to that list now; put your (few) words and smiles and laughter and looks into the vault of my memory and close it. Our time had come, and now it is gone.