poker faces

It's 1:42AM. In about 6 hours I will be staffing my 3rd SPOP in a row and CPing for a second time.

It sounds weird but I am so scared of staffing again. I don't know what it is-- if I'm already burnt out, if I'm feeling a little bout of insecurity... if I'm losing my grip. I had such an amazing hall and group of staffers when I CP'd SPOP 1. Although the scheduling and logistics were a bit off, everything else was there. Everything was said that was needed to be said and everything that there was to attempt was done. And the hours and days that followed found me in often awkward situations where my fellow staffers thanked me multiple times and poured their hearts out to me. Although humorous at the time, their words and gratitude left me feeling so uplifted and full of.... hope? I don't know... Whatever it was, I had hoped I could've held on to it for the duration of this program. It was an incredible feeling and one that I wish everyone I knew could've felt. SPOP 2 rolled around and it was a good one. Yes, good. It wasn't as fulfilling for me, though, and that may be in part to the fact that it was prefaced so awkwardly with assumptions and certain stipulations based on those assumptions, but regardless, while staffing I felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to do. The immediate end result wasn't the same... I held back my words, bit my tongue, swallowed my thoughts...

Did I keep it all in just because I wasn't CP? Did I exert all my hopes and words for that first SPOP? Was that how it felt to miss that connection?

Days later and I'm suddenly realizing that though I was unable to express my thoughts and/or advice to impart certain feelings, it was I who was imparted upon with feelings.... I was bombarded during the touch game (I had read all the statements when I CPd and was thus unable to participate) and a strange sense of deja vu came over me... Flashback to almost 4 years ago when I myself was a spopper being touched-- literally and metaphorically. The girls in my suite, dubbed by everyone else as the "Mean Girls" were some of the sweetest and most unassuming freshmen I have ever met. And this boy.... This boy. He was one of the best surprises I have ever had the pleasure of uncovering-- an amalgamation of everything I'd ever want and all that I admire. He has such a good heart and a strong head on his shoulders. He told me where he was living this coming year and I was happy to find that it's a short walk from where I will be. It may sound creepy, but I truly think he is an amazing person to know and would be a fool to forget him.

I'm deviating again, but basically I was and still am a bit scared that I'm spreading my heart and my hopes too thin. I'm going out far more this year than last and yet I can't help but feel like I really don't know anybody. There's really only person that I feel I could be close to, but things happened and I know better than to try and fix what's permanently damaged. These sentiments mix with the unnerving storm brewing in my stomach, ready to burst at any given second, because I just don't know if I can be the kind of person my staffers think I am.

I don't want to let anyone down, especially my spoppers. They're the reason why I do what I do and the only reason I have such high hopes for the future of this campus and society in general.

In other news... I'm beyond overjoyed and proud to find that so many of the first-year staffers have finally realized what the true meaning and soul of this program is. Too many of them are still second-guessing themselves an are unsure of their capabilities and I don't know how to tell them that I believe in them far more than I believe in myself at this point. It's ok... Everything will come in due time. I just know it.

I'm exactly where I was a year ago but with a completely different set of cards.

Deal.