I collapsed with exhaustion last night a little before 9PM, but not before telling my mom about SPOP. I told her about how the schedule was so unorganized and that many of my questions went unanswered, how I felt a bit short-ended and often understaffed in my hall, and how I had been having a shitty morning when my encounter with a mother sent my mindset into shit-overload.
It was right before lunch in the student center after the spoppers had been let out early and everyone was off in their respective halls doing their own thing. I was standing at the top of the stairs, trying to find sign holders when a mother came up from behind me and said, "I need you to find my child." Caught off guard with the lack of a "hello" or a simple "excuse me," I said that it was hard to say where her child was but that all the freshmen would return to where we were for lunch. She looked irritated and asked, "Well what am I supposed to do until then? Can't you just go and find her or at least tell me where she is?" Before I could even begin to explain to her, she simply said, "Well apparently this entire.. thing... is hit or miss, isn't it? You have absolutely no idea what you're doing or what's going on, do you?" And before any hint of an apologetic syllable could escape my mouth, she snapped her head at me and said, "Oh, don't even bother. Clearly you can't help me" and walked away.
That event set the tone for the rest of my morning. I tried so hard to get back to the mindset I was in, but it's difficult when your fellow hall staffer chides you for "never being there" and for being "so irresponsible." It's even worse when that staffer is your own child. It was harder still when so many staffers kept asking me the rest of the morning why I was being so down, when just the night before I was gleaming with pride and overjoyed about my spoppers. And that's when I realized what I already knew: I couldn't make every parent happy. It was really no longer my job to. If a parent didn't want my help, then I shouldn't take offense to it. Questioning my competency was not their right to do and I wouldn't and shouldn't let one mother's words dictate my day and in turn ruin the rest of my spopper's experience. So the buck fucking stopped there and though a teeny tiny part of me was still a little hurt that that had to have happened, every experience thereafter negated it entirely.
With regard to feeling it and many staffers asking me if I was indeed 'feeling it' (for there were several), a greater understanding came in trying to explain how I felt about staffing this program.
Who are we, as returners, to expect anything? The only thing we can try and expect from these freshmen is respect and often times even that isn't guaranteed and must be earned. It's not our job to feel anything while staffing for the feelings come after as a result-- it's our job to do and be. We must do all we can to make these freshmen comfortable and excited and be there when they open up and even when they don't so as to make them feel and understand that, coming into college and this campus, they are going to be OK. Often times, that's all a spopper needs to hear...
It's easy to lose your ground when others challenge you, when you don't feel what you think you should be feeling, doing what you think you should be doing, or producing what you think you should be producing. It's easy to compare to previous experiences when they have been so rewarding and especially when they're the reason why you are where you are. It's easy to second guess yourself. It's easy to give up and give in. It's easy. But nobody said it was going to be easy... "they just said it would be worthwhile." And I believe it is.
It's a given. You aren't going to touch everybody, you aren't going to make everyone comfortable, you aren't always going to be greeted with a smile, and you aren't going to always make that connection you wish to make. If you did get 100% every time, those moments just wouldn't be as special or moving. You do what you can and appreciate every "thank you," every "i'll miss you" and every smile no matter how big or small, and at the end of the day that is all you can really hope and ask for.
Expect nothing; give everything.
You'll be surprised at the things you'll find.
Standing up there, looking down at all my spoppers and staffers, wide-eyed and waiting for words to tumble out of my mouth like word vomit, an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. Something inside wanted to tell every face that they were worth my while; that they were the reason I was happily lacking in sleep; that I suddenly realized in that very instant this is what makes UCI's orientation program so good, the fact that other programs simply familiarize you to the academia and the institution while SPOP does not only that but introduces you to the kind of people with whom you will be spending your days and nights, with whom you will be making memories, and introducing you to the choices and resources and opportunities you will soon be given because isn't that while college and life itself is all about: the experiences you make with the people you meet; that they may not feel or understand 'it' now but that they will at some point down the road; and that they had every capability of changing someone's life and doing great things. Something inside wanted so much for them to hear it. So I told them. And I know not every single ear that heard what I said and every set of eyes that saw my hands flail about in an attempt to express my sincerity was moved or inspired by me, but I hope that they at least believed me.
Every single person possesses the ability and has the capacity to change the world. My junior year high school theology teacher taught me that. Though I shout obscenities about shitting elements in people's mouths and do crazy and probably really embarrassing things, with every ember and inch of my being I wish to make every soul that I meet realize this fact. World leaders, war groups, and wealthy people are not the only people with immense power. The only difference between today's youth and these "elite" is that young people are not told enough how great of an influence they have and have much of a difference they can make. My goal is to make these freshmen aware of their potential to do great things and change lives for the better.
I know these freshmen are young. Most adults deem youth to be a bad thing. They associate it with inexperience and a lack of understanding about the world. What I don't understand is how so many people, influential in power or otherwise, fail to see that this is where everything else begins. Why wait for children, teens, young adults to 'grow up' to start changing the world? What better place than here? What better time than now?
I've started to digress in a serious direction that would probably extend to pages in length, so I'll stop. All I'm trying to say is that the youth of today is plagued with incessant NO's and restrictions. They have been bound for so long by institutions that made decisions for them and though expanded their wealth of academics, stunted their wealth of belief and understanding. They don't hear nearly enough just how much potential and influence they have. They should, and as long as I'm a SPOP staffer, they will.
Basically, yo... It was a pretty damn good SPOP I...
13 years ago
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