even when i'm a mess i still put on a vest with an 's' on my chest

I was going to write some really pompous entry about how easy it is to get over things, but a certain song started to play on my laptop and now I'm a fucking mental mess. Mother of pearl. I wish I could write about really eventful things, but nothing's really looking up here.

Forget the fact that I'm turning 21 in 6 days and that I'm heading to Vegas right when I'm done with my damn English 100 final. All the hype and bullshit aside, I honestly don't know at what point I said to myself "Man, you need to go to Vegas when you turn 21 and invite everyone you know and their top 5 friends" when for my entire life up until that point I had adamantly told others and promised myself that I would never submit to such petty actions. Here I am, however many weeks, months, years later counting down the days til I drink myself into horrid oblivion because I am weak and suck and will easily collapse beneath all the peer pressure. And I can't believe I'm saying that-- that I'm in the position to actually say such things. For a few months now, I had been abstaining from alcohol-- Ok, I can't really say that because it makes me sound so righteous when Lord knows I'm not. I just hadn't been drinking because I didn't want to. I saw no need or desire to. But the last few days have found me ravenously thirsty for the stuff and for the past hour or so I've been having staring contests with the empty Newcastles sitting on my desk. I'm the world's biggest procrastinor and this here post is just another way I'm further procrastinating studying, which is just fucking stupid of me as a few hours ago I had been sitting on the really uncomfortable couch downstairs when I realized that I'll be graduating next year and I have absolutely no fucking clue where I want to work and have absolutely no fucking connections in the career I wish to pursue which, in itself, isn't exactly a growing or booming field of work. I am just fucked, royally, totally, fucked.

Dammit. I wish I knew just when it was that I stopped being the person my mom used to adore, my brother used to admire, and my dad used to respect. I look at the person I am and I just feel like a big joke-- and one that will never see its punch line come to fruition. This post seriously isn't going the way I intended it to. I'll push forward because I like to tell myself that as long as I keep going, I'll be fine. Having read that aloud to myself, one quote which I had seen countless times before came to mind. Too bad I can't put to words the exact quote, but it's something like "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." Yeah, I'm "going" but the 'going' needs a destination to 'go' to and I don't have one. This would be so much easier if I had somebody to talk to, but every conversation I've had lately (and by 'lately' I mean 'the last 2 years') has been about school work, work, and the occassional gossip. Discussions for my Philosophy classes don't even stimulate much anymore. I'm not learning and I'm not growing and I really wish I had somebody that would just listen and humor me, then lie to me and tell me that everything would be OK in the end. I guess I would just like it if I knew I had someone there-- to just be there. When the heck did I start feeling this way..? I've never been this self-pitying and needy. I don't like this show AT ALL. Man, I really miss the me that I used to be.

In other news, they're making an Alvin & the Chipmunks movie. Oy vey.