you still pull me home

It's already October and I swear that around this time last year I was a much happier person... Or was I? All the days just seem to collide and I can't tell dates apart. I've come to find that contrary to lifestyles I've lived when I was much younger [and probably much much happier], I've lived a very routine life the last few years. Aside from the shit ton of SPOP "activities" I did during summer, my weeks pretty much went: SPOP, class all day, gym then work, class all day, SPOP, gym then work, and then gym & SPOP. Now it's more like..gym & work, class all day, gym & work, class all day, gym & work, then soup kitchen on the weekends. It's not much different, isn't it? My trainer pointed out during a session that my shoulders were really tight. She asked when the last time I had a massage was. I told her the last [and first, ever] time was over a year ago. She then asked when the last time was that I breathed.

I know I put a lot of effort into things some people would deem silly and trivial, but I can't help it. I've watched friends come and go-- or is it the other way around? I'm great at committing to things like jobs, leadership positions, volunteering, and school, but to people? I no longer saw a need. That's a terrible thing to say because when I think of friends and family, my heart overflows with love for them...sincere adoration void of active dedication. And then I think of the people I've met this past year-- Kim, Heather, Mr. Schou, Trent, etc.-- and I know that they are transient beings with whom I have had life-altering experiences. For a brief moment in my life they have opened my eyes, changed my way of thinking, softened my heart, and challenged me in so many ways...and only for a moment, a brief moment in time. For I know that their lives call on them to seek other endeavours, other people, other places, other paths... Yet I can't help but jump towards the future and wonder, "Who will mourn them when they are gone?" And it makes me sad to think that, for some, no one will. They have made me cherish things so much more and compelled me to rearrage my priorities, but I fear they have also sparked a change in me that requires me to do something which I have never done well, if I have at all: let go.

Chelsea is gone and so is my best friend, Neysa. And Larissa. And Jessica. And Matt. And Chris. And the TreeGroup. And the RC girls. And Andrew... Oh Andrew. Once in a while, a chain of events will cause a deja vu and remind me of him. What once used to fill me with such happiness and warmth no longer is sustained. My stomach churns now and I become sickened. I fear the day when we will meet face to face. I honestly don't know what I would say to him, but I do know what I would do; something I should have done in the very beginning: walk away.

Amy was rummaging through my piles of pictures and found one of my debut. It was a picture of me & Bob. She asked about him and I found I only had nice things to say. I guess that when so much time has elapsed, all the bad events really do become miniscule and trifling. It really is scary to see things in retrospect... All the good comes out and pulls you back. Home.