backdated: 12july04

What do I want? Who knows what I want? Out of life? Out of myself? Out of my year? My month? My week? My day? Every minute of my godforsaken life? I don't know. Or maybe so... But see, I think the thing is-- I mean sure, I don't know what I want out of my life and in the long run there are countless things I'd want and beg for throughout the years, adding up to nothingness and the suckiest epitaph anyone's ever read or heard of. But well, at this very moment, right here, right now. At this very strand of thought, I know what I want. I want to feel... Feel? Feel what? I can't describe. I mean, I want to run the whole gamut of emotions, to feel anything and everything ever possible to have been or to be felt. I want, for one moment, to not be able to help myself from smiling. I want to feel that warm feeling... I want to be surprised, genuinely surprised-- In a good way, ya know? Because you, you're a stranger-- and maybe you're not, but in my strand of thought, you are --- and maybe you don't know or you don't understand that-- well, I'm going to tell you this not because I'm full of myself or because I feel underappreciated or any of that emo slashing my wrists crap everybody swears a person has when they mope, but because I feel it's true: all my life I've been an entertainer. What? I've entertained people's notions, thoughts, questions, requests, hopes, and dreams for so long people should call me a damn professional. But I'm not, and it's not my job. I've been working my ass off to make people happy-- in any way, not just in the grand 'throw-you-a-party' way, but in a 'do you want me to do this? will this make you smile? will this satisfy you? will this ease your boredom? will this fascinate you? make you laugh? make you proud?' make you ANYTHING but sad or depressed KIND OF WAY... And never in my past years, of which I can recollect, could I have ever stopped myself and been able to say "I'm happy." Don't get me wrong, I'm one lucky sonofabitch and ask everyone else because they'll tell you so, and I don't mean that I'm better than you, but when have you ever asked someone if another person is lucky and they told you 'no. she's not lucky'?? probably not often, if not never. well, i can't remember a time when i could think, 'gosh darn it. i love my freakin' life and i want it to stay forever this way.' You can't ask me if I'm happy, and I can't honestly tell you, "Yes, I am happy." And see, that's just it! that's the thing-- I am content with my life, but right now I feel that that's just not good enough... for me or anyone else. And I've come to realize... pretending isn't what it used to be when you were a kid. You can't pretend to be happy, because you're not. And I'm no exception.

I am OK... but I want more than 'OK'.. I want to feel more than OK.