backdated: 26sept04

My insides crawl. I'm paralyzed with sadness. I see no end to this, but still, I wish to try. I wish to leave this life of luxury and go on to theirs. It's not enough. This isn't enough. I see them, you see them, e v e r y o n e sees it, sees them. And we pretend to care, we pretend to feel this terrible sickness and we make faces, fake emotions, and we say words, but words cannot take away their hunger. Words cannot do a thing to stop the bleeding, to stop the hurt, the pain. Words are nothing compared to an endless night of wondering whether or not life awaits you at the break of dawn. Nothing compares to their sadness, their hunger, their poverty. And yet, here I am, typing away, thinking into a depression, wishing that I have a way, some way, to just get out of this place, leave it all behind, to sacrifice a life worth living to safe another. I would do it, and oh how I wish that I had some way, some damn way, ANY WAY to reach them. To tell them to just hold on, your grace is coming. But would they believe me? Would I look into their sad, pain-stricken eyes and be able to tell them a lie? Is their grace truly coming? I wish it were true, how I pray it is true. But it is not. We sit here, we live, we breathe, we go on with our microwaves and we look at our fridges full of food and think "There's nothing to eat!" NO! You mean, There is nothing good that I would want to eat. You have your food, you waste your food while, at that very moment, someone is searching for that food, someone is praying for that. Someone is wishing to eat your food, watch your TV, take a simple rest. I want to do something, I WANT TO HELP but I can't!!!! Oh my years on this age are keeping me prisoner from a life that I am planning to live, a life that I cannot reach at the moment and I stare and I stare, but it's like, I'm not moving. I'm stuck. Forces beyond me are holding me back but pushing me into depression. I get sad, I feel sorry for them and sometimes, I can literally f e e l their pain and I get all 'superhero' wonderwoman, I'M-COMING-TO-RESCUE-YOU...and then I realize that still, despite my yearning and longing to fulfill those thoughts, those hopes, those longings... I am powerless to do so. And that makes me cry. And that makes me hurt inside. And I feel what they are feeling. I am drowning in hoplessness again.