displaced.

i don't know how else to explain it, but i guess i could start with this: you made me feel like shit. from the moment you somehow magically sobered up and even up until this very moment as we speak. i could show you all the poems, letters, and lyrics i wrote; i could play you all the songs that i've heard far too many times; and i could try to explain to you, in words, what it all means. but none of that, none of this, and nothing you say or do could ever really make you truly understand how much you've hurt me. i could say that i've spent hours upon hours contemplating this, but that would be a grave understatement. i have spent days and days and most nights that you've denied me an inkling of your time and attention trying to understand how you could make feel so terrible; so useless, worthless, criminal, and hated. you were a ghost to me... after that night every time i would see you, it didn't seem real to me. that's how you felt to me. and it made ME feel like i was a corpse, walking around, not really participating in life, just watching things progress. letting things happen. i still do that, and i've grown custom to it. it's a part of me now that's rooted in all of that, and it's gotten to be normal. i don't want it to be. i've changed a lot, and not necessarily for the better, but i'm trying to find ways to make me work. it's difficult to find reasoning in getting up every morning, when all you've got to look forward to is a series of lingering questions that are never answered, and feeling like shit. i'm slowly shrugging off that feeling, but those questions still remain. i fear that they always will. i don't ever want to feel that unalive and regressive ever again. the opportunity to do so has presented itself to me in the form of you, and i will not take it.

i can't say that i forgive you, because there's nothing to forgive,
but there is just so much that i want to forget, yet simply cannot.

i wish i could 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' you out of my memory.