And we'll linger on...

I am sitting in the courtyard study lounge of the student center at 4:31pm. I'm supposed to be studying for this test I'm having on material that I haven't learned. But I'm not... Instead, my nerves are unnerving and my eyes are glazing over. My insides are hurting and my heart is aching...

I signed into facebook and saw that Wes had posted the documentary that Paulo had made. I know I just watched it yesterday and the feeling should've hit then. "It" should've hit me then. But it didn't. Instead, it's hitting me now and it's hitting hard. I don't need to hear the slowest, most emo touch game song ever; I don't need to be in a room filled with the people whose lives have been entangled with mine for the past 5 months. All I needed was to hear the most bittersweet upbeat song and see their laughing faces one more time, alone in my silence and solitude... and I am broken. Completely broken. And yet, to the utmost degree, I know that I am whole. That these smiling faces have done far more for me than any therapy session or psychologist could offer or do.

So much negativity mixed with misunderstanding has clouded the few days prior to closing, but none of that matters. Nothing else matters to me at this very instant except these humans, these beings, these souls. I don't care through what medium or actions or string of misunderstood or politically incorrect or "unethical" doings this feeling has come from. All that I care about is that this feeling exists... And I really do hope with every inch and ember of my heart that each and every single person could realize this, feel this, and accept this... Because once they do, it is a wonderful feeling.

Well, here I am, my practice handouts billowing in the wind, daring to fly away at any instant, my chai creme frappuccino melting into soup, and tears that, when I began writing this had only threatened to fall, have now made their way down my cheeks onto the salmon pink sheets below. I feel the weirdest amalgamation of feelings right now, but the one that's racking my body and making me uneasy is this feeling of helplessness. Helpless... because as much as everyone will try, we will never be this lifted and immortal from now on. Helpless because I know I won't be able to keep in touch with every person that I would like to. Just so damn HELPLESS... because I know that I can't hold onto you forever.

Please, please, please stay with me for just a little bit longer. If you do, I know that things can get better. I can get better. I don't want to believe that this is the best I'll ever have, because it's over... It's over...? It's over... but I'm not done just yet.