feel your heart it breaks within your chest now

This was the day that turned my entire world upside down.

That morning I had gone to class and came back, tired. So I napped. I curled myself up in the fetal position and covered myself with my comforter. I had begun to doze off when Chelsea ran in and asked Jess if I was awake. She said no. Then Chelsea said, "She's gonna flip when she finds out Andrew's driving over to surprise Maryn and ask her to be his girlfriend!"

My heart sank. My breath ran away and hid in a corner. I didn't move.

They discussed it for a second before Chelsea left. I lay there, not knowing what was going on. I just wanted to stay curled up and comforted; I wanted to stay asleep forever.

My bestest friend, soulmate, confidante, and love of my life was going to skip "our class" to drive several miles to ask the "creepy stalker girl" to be his girlfriend. Where was I in this equation? What was I supposed to say? "Go for it!" ??

The next day, I was helping him fold his laundry when Lauren came down, talked to his roommate, and mid-sentence, stopped and asked, "Do you have a girlfriend now?" He looked at me, back at her, and monotonously said, "Yeah." She nodded, "Cool" and ran back upstairs.

He turned back towards me and the pile of clothes on his bed, but he wouldn't look at me. As he folded his favorite pair of red soccer shorts, he started, "I didn't know how to tell you. I'm sorry.."

"I'm sorry"?? No, no.. I'm sorry-- I'm sorry I lent you my heart with the notion that you'd give me some collateral, only to have you steal it, showcase it, then stomp it into smithereens. I'm sorry I adored your stupid crow's feet, cinnammon fro hair, and goofy smile. I'm sorry I learned to love you.

What did he expect me to say? "It's ok." ?? What did he expect me to do? Drop the last 5 months like it meant nothing? Forget every single day, night, look, touch, feeling???

How could you make me adore you while you fell for someone else? How could you make me love you so damn much? -- And without even trying???

... This was the day that negated every other previous good day. This was V-day. Technically, symbolically, and literally. This was the breaking of my heart, and the desertion of all my hopes.

One year later, I'm still hurting and aching and not fully functioning. My heart doesn't know how to start up again. My kindness and sympathy have turned into apathy and gloom.

I'm trying. It's just hard when time doesn't heal all things.

...Because if it doesn't, then what does?...