dug holes so deep he lost sight of his word

I've heard many people say, "I fail at life" on account of disappointment, stress, anxiety, etc., but I'm not one of those people. I really do feel like I've failed at life and, if not, that I soon will. I've come to accept that as much as I try to do everything at the same time, I am indeed a quitter. What's funny is that the two things that I feel I've just given up and walked out on are the two things that I deemed most important; the things that once got me out of bed in the morning and lay me to rest at night; things that I have never felt more passionate or fervent about: music and volleyball.

Given that my initial break from volleyball was a result of a knee pop then sprain [again], I completely gave up after. I never tried to go back, and I not once touched a volleyball for the rest of my high school career. Gym doesn't count-- that wasn't volleyball but a bunch of girls running around in circles, screaming. Kind of like life.

In any case, I gave up breathing and wanting volleyball 24/7. I also gave up music, which I never ever in a million lifetimes thought I'd do. I've lost the desire to pen a wonderful bridge, break, or verse; no longer care enough to clear my days with intentions of having a jam session with my brother; I don't even listen to music every day. If I'm lucky, I'll get to hear a few songs before falling asleep, but they're always the same lullaby-like songs, as though music itself was whispering to me, "goodbye."

I'm sorry, but when you put your all-- and I mean all-- into something you love so much, you need some reassurance that your time, your efforts, your passion do not go to waste. I have never felt reassured about anything in my entire life. I feel like I'm always telling myself, "Come on, kid, do it because you love it" but when there is nothing to look you back in the eye and tell you that you're not all that bad, you lose faith. And I have already lost faith in many, many things...

So I'm in college now, where such passions are said to be reignited and fueled, but I find that life here only serves to diminish these flames. I feel like everyone here is just treading water, hoping they won't sink. I can't keep skipping out on class to schedule or manage people, can't keep sacrificing work and homework time to show up to something where I am not even utilized or acknowledged. I have only two years left until I decide what to do with the rest of my life, and neither volleyball nor music/performing seem to fit anywhere into that equation. Yet without them, I feel like I'm a much lesser person. I am not passionate about anything else anymore, and seem to roam around campus and the greater Newport area like a well-dressed zombie. No, I don't know when I started wearing fancy schmancy sweaters, tops, and other elements of dress and clothing; and I don't know how it's supposed to make me feel except molded and unreal. I can't explain why nothing means much to me anymore, or why I can't feel anything but distressed. I don't think my rocket will ever come, and I'm tired of sitting on the curb, waiting and waiting, but I don't know where to go otherwise.

I've forgotten what the rest of the world looks like.