slow motion til we let go

I've been looking at pictures of me, pictures of the dorms, of everybody. I move into my house tomorrow morning, and I start another amazing year. Every year from now on will be amazing simply because I said so. And I'm look at a picture of him and her, and for the first time in so long, I don't feel that hollowness in my chest. There is no void there, no sense of jealousy or anger...

I feel happy, and whole. Almost.

I had so much animosity towards him for leaving me, especially in the way that he did. He just dropped me so fast and so hard like I was nothing special that he'd even think twice about holding onto. I was so angry because I was so so hurt. I don't think that I had ever felt so hurt and lifeless and petty as I have those first few months, but as time wore on I slowly began to come to terms with it all. I'm not happy about the way things ended-- or didn't end-- or how I have no closure whatsoever. But I guess my only supplement which I walk away from all of this with is the fact that he is happy. He is really, truly happy. He has finally found someone who he has so much affection for, and whom he likes and loves and cares so much about-- and returns his efforts and affections in equality. Finally, he is no longer short-ended and has the relationship he truly deserves. I guess at one point I thought that I could be the one to give him that because nobody else seemed to want to... Alas, life has a way of working things out. I was not built into his equation of happiness, but that does not bother me much. He his genuinely happy and she is happy, in a relationship that is nurturing and growing just as they are... It's just what life is all about and, honestly, I could not ask for more for him.

May this be just the thing he needs to really feel alive again.

And may I one day, some day, find an equal in another, so as to save my own sanity.

God help me.