what hurts the most is being so close

Songfest was one crazy experience. I spent more than 4 months of my life dedicated to this one 12 minute show, but I can't say that it wasn't worth it. It was definitely an experience I'm more than happy and lucky to have had. It doesn't matter that we didn't place, and it doesn't matter what anyone praises or rants... I love the cast, as annoying and different and hard-headed as they all are. We were a damn unique cast and the moments we shared were just as special. I just can't believe that it's over. It's supposed to be that life will go back to the way it was before Songfest, but that's what I'm curious about...

So much has changed that was beyond my control while I was occupied with Songfest. And now, I don't even know how or what my life is or all about. I lost the greatest guy I know and the only best friend I ever had. It was his choice, but I guess it's working well so far. I guess. It kind of hurts to know that there's one person in the world who hates you and is disgusted with you, and that one person was once the world to you; your one and only best friend. What can I say? I ruin things.... I just didn't think it would or could ever get this bad. There's an emptiness inside of me unlike any other feeling I've ever felt. It's hollow and, when I think about it and realize that it's there, catches my breath and makes me light-headed and heavy-hearted. But what do I know of love? Nothing except that I give it away so freely and do so willingly but receive nothing of such in return. It's such a weird thing to talk about someone in the past tense ie "yeah, we were best friends once. we used to do everything together" as though he were dead. And in a sense, I guess that that's just how it is: we are dead to one another, unknown and nonexistent.

And they say that I should be angry with him for his immature actions and childish ways, but I can't for what still stands negates any form of anger or hate or bitterness. I loved him, I suppose, and I still do, I guess. I just ask around to see how he's doing because I don't want any of this to go to waste. I want him to be happy, and I want people that see and know that he is. Even if I, myself, am no longer whole, I don't want his happiness to be incomplete. I want to see and know that he is happy, and then all of this will be justified.

On a brighter note, Wayzgoose was today and it was fun. I worked the booth and then walked around with Jaclyn and Neysa for a bit before napping, then going back again to watch Pepper perform. Stayed after and hung out with the band, talked about good places to eat sushi, Jager, Hawaii, local bands, and just listened to Kaleo's tall tales and whatnot. At the end of the day, Jess and Neysa walked away with autographs and the boys gave me free merch. They're really down to earth and it's great that they were humble enough to sit around and joke/hang with some measley college kids. Good times were had. Now, it's 12:49 in the morning and I have so much homework to make-up, quizzes to study for, and an essay to write. I also have errands to do, plus I have to miss initiation and will probably get called in to CRSB because of it. Fuck. Me. Uuuuughhhh.

Well... that's just how the story goes. And this will never be a NY Times Best Seller, fo sho.